Excerpt from Chapter 7: I'm Starving
Eating the Food:

If your baby is like most colicky infants, dinnertime sucks. By that time of the day, you are most likely starving for a good meal and your baby is most likely screaming their little head off, very loudly, with no end in sight. Here’s what you do:

• Cut your food up first as if you are serving it to a child: It is next to impossible to cut up your food and hold a screaming baby at the same time. By cutting it ahead of time, you can eat with one hand and hold the baby with the other.

• Avoid sharp utensils: One of the only things that helped ensure that I ate dinner was to place Lainey face down on my lap and bounce her. This is easier said than done. As you jiggle and jostle, the path to your mouth becomes treacherous. And frankly, forks hurt when they stab you in the lip. Spoons come in handy and so do your fingers.

• Use plastic cups. Glasses will break and water will spill. It’s hard to balance a violently screaming baby on your lap and take a sip of water at the same time. Since we will all try this daring move, it is best to avoid the use of anything that may break and spray sharp, projectile objects around you and your new baby.
• Prepare your dining room: Strategically placed around me at dinnertime were: A baby swing, bouncy seat, baby carrier, and countless toys. My dining experience was akin to a chess game. I planned every move with careful thought and calculation. I would usually start with the swing. Sometimes it would work for a few minutes. After that, I would try the bouncy seat with music, then I would add vibration if needed. When that didn’t work, I tried music, no vibration, and lights. When that failed, I tried no music, no lights, and only vibration. I think you get the point. You spend all your time trying to appease this little creature and never get to eat! What I usually ended up resorting to, after trying everything under the sun, was the belly bounce — not very enjoyable while eating but it allowed a couple minutes of conversation among the rest of my family and put food into my hungry little mouth.

Truly, the sound of a crying infant is a gut-wrenching experience. Add hunger to the list, and your stomach is tied in knots. The good news: If you can survive an inconsolable infant for three months, you can do anything. Whether you want to climb Mount Everest or become the next contestant on Survivor: Motherland, get through the current chaos and anything is possible.

Excerpt from Appendix A: The Colic Commandments

1.      Thou shall not steal, unless you’re stealing a handful of babysitters.

2.      Thou shall not run away and join the circus.

3.      Thou shall run away and get a massage.

4.      Thou shall not attempt to see through the dust encapsulating the dining room table. 

5.      Thou shall buy frozen dinners and paper plates.

6.      Thou shall always accept help when offered.

7.      Thou shall not feel guilty for purchasing your fifth remote control. (Somehow they keep flying out the window…)

8.      Thou shall not ever harm your baby or yourself.

9.      Thou shall listen to Jimmy Buffet for some changes in attitudes especially when on the verge of a breakdown.

10.   Thou shall laugh at least once, very loudly, every day.